My Life Is Upside Down
by: Dr. Sharon Collins
My life has been turned upside down. I have been trying very hard to continue to face each day with joy and hope. But the issue is that so many people in my family have died over the past 18 months that I have not been able to grieve my losses effectively.
There are consequences to not being able to heal from grief. And I have noticed that I feel more fearful of loss and hyper-alert—two of the results of incomplete grief resolution. I recognize that I have to be very careful not to purposely expose myself to anything that could increase my emotional response. For instance, I purposely do not look at or listen to the news at all. But I cannot avoid everything. So when I happened to hear about the boat accident in Branson last week, I burst into tears. In the past I would have been sad, but my reaction was a little over-the-top.
Every day it seems as if I am met with new challenges that threaten to derail me because they take their toll on me emotionally. I do cry a lot which is okay, but crying is not always pretty. Unfortunately, even when I try, I cannot schedule my cry times—if I think about or speak about anything that has happened over the past 18 months, I cry.
The past 10 days, I have been fighting to accept all that has happened to a dear friend who recently got acutely ill. I watched and prayed for her and her family as she fought valiantly to remain here with us but lost that fight today at 1:45 AM when she went to sleep in the arms of Jesus. And now I am grieving again. I grieve for her family. However, I also grieve for me.
I am asking you to be patient with me. I want to write and post more, but I must do what I can to help myself. I am meditating. I am trying to spend more time outdoors. And I am journaling. But the things I write about in my quiet times are things that are so private, it would be inappropriate to share.
I am facing a new “normal.” And now I get the opportunity to adjust and change to accommodate that reality. I am getting the chance to learn something new each day. I am becoming aware that change is not easy. But the correct response to change is very necessary. If we do not bend and adjust to the changes we face, we may break. I choose to bend.
I thank you for your understanding and your patience with me during this difficult time.